When Mary Sues Attack
by queen of the imps
Summary: Erik, Christine, and Raoul have been running from Mary Sues and have taken refuge in the house upon the lake. So what happen's when they're trapped there with one of the most nonsensical, uncanonical Sues out there?
1. Run away! Run away!

Disclaimer: I don't own 'The Phantom of the Opera' (the book OR the character).

Erik peered behind him as he quickly punted his gondolier to his house on the lake. No other boats, thankfully. He turned to his two passengers. "We'll be arriving shortly. If you see any of..._them_...let me know."

Christine and Raoul, huddled together on the gondolier, nodded fervently as Erik propelled them closer and closer to the house on the lake. They weren't exactly thrilled to be back at the opera house, but things had gotten to be too much. _They_ had taken over, and _they_ were making their lives miserable.

It was all insane, really. _They_ were everywhere. _They_ made Christine and Raoul's lives miserable and completely un-canonical. I mean, really, is there ANY indication that Christine is a slut in any form of canon, despite the fact that she is made into one in so many fanfictions? And what indication is there that Raoul would cheat? Or become an abuser? Granted, he is annoying, but when did that ever mean 'evil, evil man-slut'?

Anyway, Christine and Raoul were lucky enough to know a certain person who lived underground, isolated from the world. He'd had his own troubles with _them_, so he knew their troubles. Plus, he'd agree to any excuse that would mean Christine staying in his house. So he allowed them to come stay with him until things calmed down.

As soon as they reached the shore, Erik tied up the boat as Christine and Raoul hurried inside. As soon as he was done with the boat, Erik quickly went inside and bolted the door behind him. Hopefully, that would be enough...

Christine was pacing around nervously as Raoul try to calm her: "They can't reach us here, darling. They're not going to find us so far below the opera house, especially with a _lake_ blocking the way."

Christine nodded fervently, but she continued to pace. "I know, I know, but I keep feeling as though they'll return and find us here." She looked up at her former voice teacher. "We'll be safe, won't we? You have all sorts of traps that will stop them, don't you?"

Erik sighed. "We can only hope."

Christine and Raoul's eyes widened. "What? What do you mean?"

Erik gave her a helpless look. "My traps don't _work_ on them for some reason! And there not even in the places they should logically be! I could've sworn that my chamber of mirrors was set up _next to the house_, so that I could look into it if anyone entered, but for some reason it's underneath the opera house lobby now."

Raoul furrowed his brow. "Why on earth would you need to protect the _lobby_?"

"I don't know! For some reason, _they_ all think I used it to trap you for about five seconds after the masked ball after you and I jumped into it. I mean, _the lobby!_ And the chamber of mirrors is supposed to be insanely difficult to get out of, so how on earth does anyone get out of it in under 30 seconds!"

Raoul groaned. "That's the point. None of _them_ make sense."

Christine was not at all happy with this. "But...but there must be other traps!"

"Well, there is the singing voice coming out of the lake trick. But for some reason, that doesn't work anymore. For some reason, _they_ don't believe it exists."

Raoul sighed. "So there aren't any traps left?"

Erik snorted. "The only one is that grate that comes down on people while they're underwater. Which has the off-switch located _a foot away_."

"What!"

Erik shrugged. "Blame Joel Schumacher. He just wasn't content to give Batman visible nipples."

Raoul sighed. "This is insane. Ever since all of these...these..._Mary Sues_ showed up, nothing's made any sense. And they keep talking about 'the fire'. What fire!"

"I repeat: blame Joel Schumacher."

Christine groaned. "Why do they keep coming back! And why do they always insist on making me seem like a slut, a rotten bitch, or a helpless rodent?"

Erik shrugged. "Because all of their characters need to be reduced into overdone clichés. Plus, you have some Canon Sue qualities, which gives them a ton of fodder."

Christine was about to reply when all three of them heard a sound that, to most, would have sounded beautiful, if not exquisite. The sound of a young, female voice floated towards them, singing softly. Her voice was reminiscent of a light breeze passing across tiny, crystal bells. To most, it would be the purest, most exquisite noise they'd ever heard.

To the three canon characters it was more horrific than Carlotta during the toad incident.

Christine was horrified. "No! No! It can't be! No!"

Erik ushered Christine to the back of the house, knowing d after Raoul. "Try and drive her away! Most Sues hate you, so she might leave if she thinks you're the only one here."

Raoul nodded, and then proceeded to change from Canon Raoul to Foppy Raoul. Sues hate it when he acts more obsessive over clothing than they do. He figured that ought to work.

Meanwhile, the young female continued to sing.

"Night time, sharp pins

High tense each sense nation

Dark nest spurs

And lakes in magic nation

Sigh Lent Lee the densest

Abandon their white fences"

Raoul wrinkled his nose. What on earth was she singing?

All of a sudden a bright light appeared in the distance, and moved slowly closer and closer to shore. As she came closer, Raoul saw the cause of all the singing punting a gondolier with ease. Because, you know, punting an entire boat, along with yourself, is always easy. The gondolier as amazingly similar to Erik's, except that it was...purple.

Even odder than the boat itself was its passenger. She was wearing a dress that, on the surface, looked like it was of Victorian style. However, there was no one in the Victorian era that would be caught dead wearing a dress that exposed the shoulders AND had a V-neckline AND had a slit up the side AND exposed the woman's garter. Because if they did, they would be mistaken for prostitutes, a fact Mary Sues tend to ignore.

As the boat glided swiftly closer (cuz it's sooooo easy to punt a boat wearing a dress), Raoul caught a glimpse of the Mary Sue's face as she was making her way to shore. She had enormous blue eyes, like the water of the purest ocean. He raven black hair gathered in loose curls around her very long neck. Her maroon lips curved so that she seemed to always be smiling pleasantly. Her pale skin was reminiscent of pure milk.

And she was wearing black eyeliner, black mascara, dark eye shadow, and lipstick. Even though that would also label her as a prostitute the second she went out in public.

She stepped onshore and looked around, smiling pleasantly, and glanced at the house on the lake.

"Oh where oh where is my darling Phantom?"


	2. No! Stradivarius!

Disclaimer: As much as I would like to, I don't own 'The Phantom of the Opera'. That belongs to Gaston Leroux, although certain aspects of the fic should be credited to Andrew Lloyd Webber and Susan Kay.

Christine and Erik crouched in one of the more remote areas of the house on the lake, more specifically, the basement, where they figured they would not be found by the Sue. It was dark, it was small, and it was located in the lowest part of the house, and the door was hidden under the carpeting. No one would find them there.

Unfortunately, that area of the house was a little bit cramped, resulting in Christine and Erik practically sitting in each other's laps as they anxiously awaited the Sue. Needless to say, this made the whole situation slightly awkward.

Christine muttered under her breath: "I don't know why we had to hide in _this _part of the house."

Erik, who was actually quite thrilled by the lack of space, replied curtly. "It was either this or the chamber of mirrors."

"Good point."

It was then that they heard the loud girlish squealing. And I'm not talking about the Sue.

"Dammit, where the hell is my Angel of Music!"

"I already _told_ you, he abandoned his house for a condo in Majorca, and...OW!"

"Liar! Liar! Lying little fop!"

It was then that an odd sort of beating noise was heard, combined with the twanging of strings. Erik realized with a start that she was bludgeoning him with his Stradivarius. This led to conflicting emotions: save his violin or keep himself safe from the Sue? Dare he expose himself, not to mention Christine, to the horror that is a Sue? Dare he risk having her destroy the canon completely, and turning him into a man-whore?

Aw, screw it.

"That does it! No one messes with my violin!" Erik struggled, trying to get out of the cellar in order to battle the noncanonical Sue. However, he had difficulties because it was, after all, cramped, and because Christine was trying to stop him as best she could.

"Calm down!" Christine hissed. "Do you want her to hea-..."

It was then that the basement door was flung open, and the Mary Sue stood there triumphantly (along with a completely wrecked violin and a bruised Raoul). Apparently, just by hearing the faintest whispers of what they were saying, she was able to locate the door under about five layers of carpet using the Nonsensical Powers of the Sue.

"My angel!" And with her passionate cry she flung herself into Erik's arms. However, since both he and Christine were still in very cramped positions in the basement, this merely made the situation all the more uncomfortable, not to mention the fact that the Sue was nearly crushing her angel. With no intentions of ever letting go.

When she finally _did_ let go of him, she stood proudly as Christine and Erik tried to make their legs work so that they could get out of the cellar. As they did so, the Sue smugly began announcing random gibberish that most people wouldn't announce if they just barged into a stranger's home. Then again, most people don't barge into stranger's homes. But Mary Sues aren't most people. Mary Sues are speshul.

"At last, at last! I have traveled through the entire Opera house just to find you, my angel! For you see, I the new chorus girl for the ballet corps, but I am in desperate need of some vocal training! You see, I..."

"Christine, could you please help me up? One of my legs fell asleep while we were down there..." Erik brushed some dust off of his pants leg and leaned against Christine for support as the Mary Sue huffed indignantly.

"Are you even LISTENING?" The Mary Sue pouted as Erik struggled to get out of the basement, limping because of his still-asleep leg. Raoul continued to lie on the floor, with the tattered violin at his side, praying to God that he would ban Stradivarius violins from existance.

"Yes, sadly." Erik sat down in an armchair, knowing full well that he would have to deal with this Sue's incessant babbling, and that it would be the exact same babbling he'd heard from a thousand other Sues. Maybe, if this one was long enough, he'd be able to finish reading a book in the meanwhile. He was dying to read 'The Cask of Amontillado'.

"Well, let me FINISH." She then returned to her bratty prima donna mode, adding some dramatic flourishes. "You see, I have struggled long and hard to come here to the Opera Populaire, where I must fulfill my dream of becoming the most famous and beautiful singer in the world!"

"Wait, the Opera WHAT? This is the Palais Garnier!"

"Let me FINISH! Aaaaaanyway, it is my one true dream to become a great opera singer. With you know, a huuuge dressing room, a carriage, top billing, tons of flowers...you know, the works."

Christine murmured, "You mean, like Carlotta?"

"No, not like _her._ She was so icky and...you know...German! And besides, Carlotta was sooooo ugly and mean, but I'm not like that at all!"

Christine responded dryly: "I'm sure."

"Aaaaaaanyway,my daddy told me once, right before he was devoured by maniacal squirrels, that he would send me the Angel of Music in order to teach me. So I figured, hey, why not just go hunt him instead of waiting until I'm, like, twenty and all wrinkled?"

"Uh-huh."

"Yeah, so anyway, I reeeeeally need singing lessons. Y'see, I've heard that I've got, whaddyacallit, 'potential'. I dunno what that means, but I think that it means once I have voice lessons, I'll be the most wonderful singer to have ever existed."

Erik sighed and put down his book, knowing full well where this was going. "Then what do you need me for? I'm sure Monsieur Reyer could find you a suitable teacher."

"Yeah, but you're...you know...the Angel of Music!"

Erik stood up and tried desperately to usher her out of his house. "Well, actually, I've retired from that particular post. The new Angel of Music resides inCancun, so if you wouldn't mind leaving my house..." And with that he tried to push her towards the door, until she spotted something that sparked her interest.

"Ooh, flowers!"

And she quickly ran into Christine's room, the source of all the flowers. Erik sighed and followed her. Raoul and Christine wisely decided to stay where they were. Well, Raoul really didn't have much of a choice, as he was still lying on the ground.

"Miss, you really can't..."

"Omigosh! This room is so pretty!" She twirled around and looked at all the things hat Erik had handpicked for Christine when he had originally designed the room. She then proceeded to dirty everything or break it. First off was a crystal vase that slipped straight out of her hands onto the floor, shattering into a thousand pieces.

"Oops."

"Look, this is _Christine's_ room, so if you wouldn't mind _leaving_..."

"Ooooh, Christine gets a room." She took a glance over at the bed and giggled. "Gee, I wonder what's gone on in _this _particular room." Nod, nod, wink, wink.

Erik finally lost his temper completely. "GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!" He pulled out the Punjab lasso and held it threateningly. He didn't really want to have to use it, but she had, you know, broken into his house. And broken his things. And harassed everyone there. So it seemed only fair.

But he had forgotten one important thing about Sues.

They weep openly at the drop of a dime.

"You don't understand! You just don't understand! No one ever does!" Her shoulders heaved as she sobbed heavily. "No one knows what I've had to go through in life! Not even you! Every time that I think I've escaped hardship, I'm always wrong." She collapsed onto the floor, weeping noisily.

Erik walked out of the room rolling his eyes, knowing full well what she was going to do next. "Christine, Raoul, let's leave. This one's another weeper with a tragic past." His sentences were punctuated by high-pitched wails from the next room. Raoul, still bruised from the incident with the violin, shut the door to Christine's room and propped a table (and a desk and a chair and a sofa and the pipe organ) up against it to keep her inside while Erik and Christine quickly gathered up some things they would need while running from the Sue. As they did so, they could hear random snippets of the Sue's wailing coming from the other room.

"...so beautiful that everyone wants to rape me...

...mother eaten by Pygmies...

...father arrested for jaywalking...

...never, ever got to drive a Porsche..."

And so on.

As the three canon characters made their way on to the gondolier, Erik pushed them off shore quickly and began punting with all his might. As they made their way across the lake, Christine asked: "What do we do now! Even the house on the lake isn't safe!"

Raoul, rubbing his violent violin wounds, tried to think, a process that was somewhat difficult for him. "Where can we go that the Sues will never find us?"

"We've already tried our own house and the house on the lake...and the opera house hasn't ever been safe from them!" She sighed. "We never had this problem when the Lon Chaney movie came out."

Erik thought calmly to himself for a minute. "There must be someone we can stay with...someone the Sues wouldn't dare touch...someone that seems to never have to suffer these Sues...someone who was never associated with Gerard Butler."

An idea struck Erik suddenly.

"Let's go talk to the daroga."


	3. Odd Happenings at the Persian's House

Disclaimer: I don't own it, so don't you dare sue me (I literally have no money right now, unless I tap into my savings).

The Persian peered out from behind his front door, and, upon recognizing the three forms standing outside, smiled warmly. "Come in, come in! I was just heating up some tea."

The three grateful figures wandered their way through the daroga's hut to the kitchen, following the sound of a kettle whistling. There, they found Darius sitting in one of the kitchen chairs, staring at them eerily.

"Darius, this is Erik, whom I'm sure you remember, and Mademoiselle Christine Daae and Monsieur Raoul de Chagny."

Darius nodded silently, then proceeded to leave the room as to free the chair he was occupying.

Erik watched him as he and his two companions sat down. "Darius was never much of a talker, was he?"

The Persian nodded as he joined the other three at the table. "Darius has always been very shy. And it's been getting worse as of late."

Erik quirked an eyebrow. "Really? How so?"

The Persian flinched. "Recently, a phangirl wrote a slash fiction in which Darius and I had...where we...erm..."

Erik held up a hand to indicate that he knew what he meant. "Well, was it well-written?"

Again, the Persian flinched. "No. She kept calling me 'darugga'."

Erik nodded. "I know what you're going through. Believe me, these fangirls can put you through the wringer. I don't mind most of the time if it's _well-done_, mind you, but it's rather tiresome when it's not." He stood up and began pouring himself some tea as Christine and Raoul wandered about the house.

The Persian watched Erik as he inquired, "Why exactly are you here, anyway? You never told me..."

Erik flinched at the memory of a certain girl currently taking up residence in the house upon the lake. "There's another one, daroga. Another Mary Sue."

"Well-written?"

"Gads, no. She's insane. She punts a gondola without any visible effort, is more beautiful then 99 of the population, and she speaks lingo that won't be widely used for over one hundred years."

"Ah...so she's like most of them, isn't she?"

"Sadly, yes. You're lucky, daroga. Most of them don't realize you exist."

The Persian chuckled lightly to himself. "Thank Allah for that much. I got off lucky when Andrew Lloyd Webber didn't include my character in his musical or his movie. The only people who know I exist are the ones that actually read Gaston Leroux's novel."

Erik wrinkled his nonexistent nose. "I blame Gerard Butler. Him and his damn six-pack have attracted them like moths to a flame. They don't even seem to notice I'm deformed. They all think I'm 'TEH SECKS', whatever the hell that means."

"Well, at least you'll be safe here. So far, we haven't had a single Sue here, since Darius and I, thankfully enough, generally go unnoticed."

Meanwhile, in another part of the house...

"But Christine, let me play with it! Just for a little while!"

"No, Raoul! Imagine what the Persian would say if he walked in and saw."

"But he won't! He's too busy chatting with Erik. I'll only look at it for a little while!"

"No, Raoul. Maybe later, but now is simply not the time."

"But it's _never_ the right time with you!"

"Raoul, that's not true and you know it."

Darius, who was in the next room, peered his head in, not exactly sure what he was expecting to see. Okay, that was a lie; he _knew_ what he was expecting to see, he was just really hoping that he wouldn't see it.

"Um, Mademoiselle Daae? Monsieur Chagny?"

When he looked inside, he saw what looked like Christine dangling a tapestry over Raoul's head as he grabbed for it like a small child.

"Erm...mademoiselle? What are you doing?"

Christine blinked as she realized how ridiculous she looked. She lowered the tapestry as she blushed with embarrassment. Raoul, for his part, forgot about the tapestry.

"I was just trying to keep Raoul from ruining the tapestry. He has a tendency to break things."

"Ah...so I see." And with that, Darius left quickly, trying to avoid the rather awkward situation in the other room.

"_What kind of people did Nadir let in this time?" _he thought to himself.

Meanwhile, back at the underground lake...

A certain young girl was traveling quickly across the lake, punting with amazing speed atop her purple gondolier.

"_The Phantom thinks he's rid of me, but he's in for a big surprise!"_ she thought as she laughed maniacally, her echoes resounding throughout the lower levels of the opera house.


	4. The Dynamics of Snoring

Disclaimer: If you honestly believe that I own 'The Phantom of the Opera', then I would also like to inform you that my name is John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt. Also, I am a millionaire.

Sorry for the late update. I went away for four days to Vermont, so I wasn't able to update or write for awhile. And to RubyMoon2: yes, you can use quotes from my stuff if you want. Just remember to credit them to me! Anyway, here it is: the next chapter!

That night, Christine slept in the daroga's guest room while Raoul and Erik slept on the floor in the parlor. At around midnight, all that could be heard was quiet breathing.

Erik, not entirely comfortable sleeping outside of his normal coffin, glanced around the room, trying to ignore the vicomte sleeping across the room. The Persian's house was definitely of the exotic variety, displaying many of the furnishings typical of Persia. However, this did not translate into typical French décor. As a result, the room had an otherworldly aura about it, as though they were all thousands of miles away from the house on the lake, even though it was only a few short blocks away.

Erik's musings were interrupted by Raoul, who began mumbling in his sleep. "I wanna puppy...why can't I get a puppy, Phillipe?"

Erik groaned with annoyance and hit the vicomte over the head with a pillow. Raoul woke up with a start, and then glanced around a little until he realized that Erik was the one who had hit him on the head. "What was that for!"

"For your incessant mumbling in the middle of the night. Even when you're _asleep_ you can't stop talking."

"Is that my fault? I can't help what I do when I'm asleep."

Erik snorted as he stood up and grabbed his pillow. "You can on my watch." And with that, he crossed to the other side of the room, lay down, and tried to go back to sleep.

A few seconds of silence paused before Raoul hissed to Erik: "You _snore._"

"_What!_"

Even with his eyes closed, Erik knew that Raoul was smirking. "You heard me. You can even ask Christine or the Persian or Darius tomorrow. They'll all back me up."

"That's absolutely ridiculous!" Erik shot back angrily, annoyed that he was being deprived of his sleep.

Raoul, however, remained smug. "Oh, really? How is it ridiculous?"

"First off, I think I'd know by now if I snored. And secondly, _I don't have a nose to snore with!_"

Raoul shrugged. "I don't know _how_ exactly you manage to raise the rooftops; all I know is that you do."

Erik opened his mouth to reply, but he fell silent when he heard an odd noise. It sounded like a horse whinnying, but that didn't make sense to Erik. Why would any horses be out this late at night?

Raoul heard it as well. He frowned slightly as he heard another noise. It started off quietly, then began to increase its volume. At first, Raoul thought the voice reminded him of a lark rocking its babies to sleep on a cold winter's night; however, he and Erik soon realized what it was.

"_Mary Sue!_"

And with that, the two began grabbing furniture as quickly as they could and shoving it up against the door. Chairs, coffee tables, and cabinets were quickly moved in order to impede the Mary Sue's entrance into the Persian's house.

Erik stood back after they had finished their mad furniture scramble and examined the barricade that they had just constructed. "There...I think that should hold her off."

"Um...what are you guys doing?"

Raoul and Erik whirled around to discover the Mary Sue standing directly behind them. She blinked, wide-eyed, and stared at them as they looked at her in horror.

Raoul spoke first. "How...how did you get inside the house?"

The Sue shrugged. "The back door."

Erik sighed in annoyance, then looked down at the innocent-looking Sue, who stared back at him with her mesmerizing Eyes of Feigned Coyness ™. "So, what exactly are you doing here?"

The Sue rolled here eyes and pouted indignantly. "I've already _told _you. I need you to teach me how to sing, just like my daddy promised me before his tie got caught in a paper shredder, strangling him to death as I looked on helplessly."

Raoul's brow furrowed. "Couldn't you just turn off the paper shredder?"

"Um, hello? It was a paper shredder of DOOM, sent to curse me through all my years by my evil stepmother, Satana."

"But didn't you just say yesterday that your father was eaten by squirrels?"

The Sue rolled her eyes and sighed with annoyance. "Seriously, Raoul, how stupid _are_ you?" And with that, she flipped her hair huffily. "Aaanyway, I knew you guys would go somewhere else, because you were thrown by my strong personality that women aren't supposed to have. But don't worry. Erik, you will soon grow to love me for my independent thinking, and come to see that strong women are much more preferable than weak ones. After that, you'll renounce your chauvinistic ways. But Raoul, you will continue to hate me while simultaneously lusting for me. Eventually, you'll try to rape me, but Erik will rescue me and kill you, and then we'll live happily ever after underneath the opera house." She smiled happily. "I oughta know. I _am_ the authoress, which means I know everything there is to know about you two."

Erik and Raoul looked at each other, astounded by just how stupid this Sue was and how badly she had just raped and murdered their canonical personalities. Erik had plenty of experience with strong women, such as the sultana in Persia, and had never adopted any chauvinistic attitudes towards women. Raoul loved Christine, and wouldn't dare think of another woman like he did her. And WHY couldn't she shut off the paper shredder?

The Sue, unaware of what the two men in front of her were thinking at that very moment, smiled coyly at Erik and batted her mascara-laden eyelashes. "Sooooooooooo...when can we start my singing lessons?"

Erik felt a migraine coming on, and frantically tried to remember where he had put the Punjab lasso. "Mademoiselle, it's very, _very_ late at night..."

"...and you need some sleep? That's OK! You can go get some sleep, and I'll just watch you until you wake up." And with that, she plopped herself on the ground and proceeded to stare at Erik intently.

Needless to say, this made Erik slightly uncomfortable. "Mademoiselle, this is not your house, and you don't have any right to barge in like this..."

The Mary Sue made a tsk-ing noise. "You and your chauvinistic ideas."

"WHAT!"

"I mean, _really_. In your own little world, if a woman walks into someone else's house, it's a crime, but if you, a man, do it, then it's alright."

Erik, his hands tightened into fists, responded angrily. "This happens to be the home of a friend of mine..."

The Mary Sue blinked. "You have _friends?_"

"Yes! And, unlike you, I happen to have _permission_ to be here, so I would advise you to leave before I am forced to strangle you!" And with that, Erik whipped out the Punjab lasso, aiming it directly for the Sue's neck. Once he had, he tightened its grip, hoping to frighten the Sue.

It was then that he realized that he had missed the Sue completely, and that the Punjab lasso hung limply in the air.

Erik frowned. This was unusual. Not once in the last twenty years had the Punjab lasso missed its mark. Recovering his composure, Erik whipped the Punjab lasso at the Sue again, taking extra care to get the Sue.

Again, it missed.

Erik was slightly shaken by this. What had happened to his aim? Was the lasso broken in some way? Again, he whipped the lasso at the Sue, who stood there calmly as though nothing odd had occurred. This time, Erik watched carefully as the lasso went directly towards the Sue's neck...

...and was deflected by some unknown force.

Erik stared at the Punjab lasso, bewildered as to what the hell was going on. Raoul seemed confused as well, having seen the Punjab lasso in action before and knowing full well how skilled Erik was with it.

The Sue, however, seemed to think that there was nothing odd going on.

"So, are you going to show me to my room, or what?"


	5. Wrath of the Sue

Disclaimer: Maybe I'll own the Phantom of the Opera once I finally get paid for my cashiering services, but until then, I do not. u.u

This chapter will be shorter than normal, just because I haven't had as much time to type as normal.:

Christine was having a lovely dream. She and Raoul were in a snowy forest, listening to her father tell them stories of his travels from before they were born. As they listened to her father's words pour from his mouth, Raoul held her hand in his, so that she was warm despite the snow. Everything was perfect, and it just seemed to keep getting better, as her father moved on to a story of Little Lotte and the Angel of Music...

Until she was abruptly awoken by a loud crash and some high-pitched screaming.

Startled, she immediately pulled a robe on over her nightgown and hurried out to see what the commotion was. She walked quickly, hoping that no one was hurt, and wondering whether Raoul was alright.

She was greeted by a rather peculiar sight.

Raoul was lying on the floor, his lip gashed and puffy, and one of his eyes was turning a rather nasty black and blue. Erik was crouched on the ground, his Punjab lasso discarded to the side. He seemed to be trying to decide to help Raoul or run from the Sue, who was holding a large chair above her head in a rather menacing fashion.

"DIE, YOU LITTLE FOP!"

And with that, the chair sailed across the room, nearly hitting Raoul square in the chest. Instead, it flew harmlessly over him and landed a few feet away.

Christine stared at the scene with wide eyes. "What on earth is going on in here!"

Raoul, noticing Christine, looked at her pleadingly. "She's trying to kill me! Help!"

"DEATH TO YE!" And with that, the Sue lunged at Raoul. Thankfully, Erik managed to grab her and yank her away so she couldn't cause any more damage.

Christine hurried over to her husband's side, completely bewildered. "What the...?"

Erik, still struggling to incapacitate the Sue, tried to explain. "She showed up...and we were trying to get her to leave, but all of a sudden she started attacking the vicomte..."

"Why!"

"I don't know!"

To be honest, even Raoul didn't know. One second, the Sue was asking for a room to stay in, and the next, she was trying to bludgeon him with a lampshade.

Christine stared at the Sue, wide-eyed, as the non-canonical insert struggled to be free of Erik's grasp. "Why don't you just use the lasso!"

Erik, struggling as well, called back, "I've tried! It won't work for some reason!"

Just then, Damien and the Persian rushed into the doorway, wondering what the commotion was about. Upon seeing the chaos of the room, they blinked and stared for a few seconds until Erik snapped at them. "Don't just stand there! Do something!"

The Persian thought quickly about what to do, and tried to remember everything he knew about Sues. Suddenly, he was struck with an idea.

"Quick! Orlando Bloom is running past out house!"

"What!" The Sue paused for a second, wide-eyed, giving Erik just enough time to wrench her arm behind her back.

"_Merci_, daroga."


	6. All the Anime Characters in Japan

Disclaimer: I own nothing. I feel nothing. Not the wind on my face, nor the salt of the sea, nor the warmth of a woman's flesh.

You'd best start believing in ghost stories, Ms. Turner. You're in one.

(Okay, I am officially random, to the point where I can't even claim ownership for my _disclaimer_.)

!'

The Sues muffled protests could be heard continually coming from the corner of the room, but everyone else ignored her. Thanks to the Persian's intervention, the Sue had been subdued long enough that Erik and Raoul had been able to gag her and tie her to a chair, where she sat and, every ten minutes, tried to escape.

"MmfmfmgrmfmHM-M-M-M-M-M-M!"

Erik, in the middle of speaking, ignored the Sue's protests and continued. "So, anyway, that's when she started lunging furniture at Raoul."

Raoul, who was sitting to the side with some ice on his injured eye, nodded miserably.

The Persian nodded, having listened carefully, before he spoke. "The question is, how on earth did she find this place? I doubt she even knows who I am, much less where I live." He looked at Erik. "You didn't leave a map or something in your house, did you?"

Erik shook his head. "No. At least, not in any language she might understand. I figured that it would be fitting to write a Persian's address in the language of Persia. So unless she speaks Arabic (doubtful), that's not how she found out."

"Well, is there someone else she could contact that might know?"

"Not that I can think of."

Damien sat quietly off to the side, watching the proceedings. Christine sat off to the side as well, watching over Raoul carefully and eyeing the Sue suspiciously for any more outbreaks of violence. That left Erik and the Persian to sort things out.

"Well, what'll we do with her?"

"Well, we can't just release her...at least, not without some sort of electric dog collar that'll keep her far away from us."

"Those won't be invented for at least another century."

"Damn. Well, I'm all out of ideas then. What do you think?"

The Persian sighed. "If we could find some other sort of place to keep her, somewhere where there'd be a Sue-attracting male to keep the attention off of you..."

Erik sighed and shook his head. "I've already checked that out. Aragorn and Legolas are hiding, Hogwarts Castle has been boarded up, Orlando Bloom and Johnny Depp are still having horrific nightmares, and every anime character in Japan is on guard. I think we're stuck with her."

Erik thought for a second. "What about that Wonka guy? He's new on the scene..."

"He locked himself up even _before _the Sues came around."

"Damn."

Erik thought for a minute, and his brow furrowed and his eyes narrowed. Suddenly, he spoke. "Well, what if we just knock her out?"

The Persian stared at him and smiled, "You have good ideas, my friend."

One hour and several bottles of morphine later, the Sue was out cold, and there was much rejoicing. However, the worst was yet to come...


	7. Apology and Preview

To my darling readers and Erik-philes:

Miss me? Sorry that it's been awhile, but my computer got a virus, so I haven't been able to type, plus I went away for ten days, so I haven't been able to post or even type. Thanfully, my computeris up and running again , but until I finish the new chapter, I'm leaving you a juicy preview to keep you waiting at the edge of your seats for my return:

The Sue slurped her tea loudly, unaware of the amount of noise she was making. "So, anyway, that's when they tied me up and all. I mean, really, how rude can you _get_, typing up a poor sweet innocent little girl like me?"

The older woman flinched at the slurping, but nodded in a way that she hoped looked sympathetic. The Sue didn't seem to notice.

"So, anyway, then they gave me some, like, medicine-y stuff, and it, like, made me all sleepy and stuff. But when I woke up, I used my awesome ninja powers that I learned in Botswana, and, like, got free and shit."

She finished her tea by pouring the remainder directly into her mouth, while the older woman watched on in horror. When she finished, the Sue put on what she hoped was a winning smile.

"So, anyway, I'm, like, _sooo_ glad that you're gonna help me out, right? 'Cuz I _really_ need those singing lessons."

Mme. Giry patted her hand comfortingly. "Don't worry. We'll think of something."


End file.
